This is where i post my thoughts stored in a document. As you may tell i am very recluded so I keep things to myself alot. This usually means i needs somewhere to cool off. I've decided to do this as a method of coping with my severe anxiety and OCD. I think this helps me relax more??? Keep in mind i dont wanna post anything too personal here in case someone i know reads this or whatever. I will try to keep this as j a reference for whenever i need to remind myself what is important and stuff. Some of this shit goes back from like middle school in my notebook, decided to dump them here too.

7.14.14: Here's something i read online today: "a guy taking a hint is too risky. at one end u can end up having one of the best moments of ur life. at the other end u can end up as the creep who misread an "obvious" sign and is now accused of sexual harrassment and a pervert. hints arent universal, a girls true intentions can be any of both ends." Its so true, when it seems like someone likes you, that person can be thinking about something totally different! Abt working on taking hints, ive come to a difficult conclusion.
to me, i think its better to be upfront. its safer and direct, smarter choice imo.
remember, 3 strikes and you're out. What is more important, moral dignity or secret fantasy? Before i can love anyone else i need to love myself. Fix myself. It sounds like I'm a bit lonely & she's fanciable so im fixating on her. In other words, Focus on YOU.

Today I heard a fellow mate talk bad about me behind my back during lunch, to my crush.I cant even tell you how bad i wanted to intervene and tell him how wrong he was, but then Id look like a creep listening to other peoples convos. Fucking lying sack of horseshit!! This might be something that only I really value alot, but i think if someone loves another person, you should be able to believe in the person first before what other ppl say. In other words, I think that if lovers really care abt each other, they would trust each other first before judging each other based on what someone else might say.

For ie, instead of judging a person for something they did or said, you should ask that person directly on how he or she really feels or thnks. What someone else says might not always be true, and to just conclude with whatever impression you have on that person from a rumor or gossip might come off as shallow and foolish imo. I think a strong aspect in maintaining a good relationship is by working together.

Seriously, i fucking hate liars. Despise them the most! Can't trust anyone these days...

9.4.14:Is cursing for fun considered toxic? People say it is but I mean im not saying it at people directly... ...its like ignoring hate with laughter. I do it to get over some lame discussion, keep stuff casual.

12.13.14: N____ confessed to me that she liked me during PE today, she somehow stalked me on steam and wanted to add me lol... Anyhow, we were talking about our ideal types (ofc) and i seemed to not really have one in mind. So i gathered some aspects of people i really admire and told her:
-someone whos classy
-someone who is meticulous/caring abt others' feelings/ideas
-calm/slow-minded (yikes)
-loves skinship
-humble/down to earth
-has good sense
some of the shit i said was so embarassing but i hope she can work with it anyway. also i didnt mean most of them either like the slow minded one, idk im a fuckin idiot

2.7.15: Broke our shortlived relationship w Niamh, she felt insecure about her family being able to hear all our convos in Korean, she also found an attachment to someone else. Guess imma be single since birth forever...
It all started back when she added me on Steam and OOvle to chat. She showed me a tour of her room and talked about the casual shit we do in school. Later she introduced me to her parents as "friend from school", which i guess was normal cus we both korean and all of us Koreans somehow brothers and sisters from different mothers. anyway she was so embarrased whenever i gave her attention infront of her parents on the webcam, "열시미!" she kept screaming that during our game sessions lmao. It was fun seeing her family on weekends during their trips while i stayed home listening from my earpods and asking dumb questions.
At first we were being too careful about each other, worried we were reading the wrong signs from each other while we chatted. I could tell she liked me from her flirty behaviour but i was trying to be more social with her and holding back my true feelings. Its weird, I didnt even like her at first, attractiveness was not my type but being the lonely kid in middleschool i was craving for ANYONE at this point. She taught me to be more open with others people at school, since im such a timid child when it comes to social interations w ppl. We really clicked together, enjoying our chats and moments from class to home. Laughing, smiling more, letting others know how i felt. I started addressing my needs and listening to other ppls needs as well. I guess she made me look at myself differently, i was always selfish and making everything about myself like i am right now and i didnt even notice it. Not everything was all good and dandy. We fought alot, arguing over dumb shit but i didnt care about it too much cus i loved her so much. I was attached to her.
Weeks later, she told me she didnt like me anymore as a crush and wanted to be friends instead. I asked why and she told me she liked I*****, who was a close friend of mine at the time. I asked her what i did wrong so in the future i dont make the same mistake with my future relationships. she said nothing was wrong, she just seemed to not like my type anymore. I guess i told her too much about me and now she was uninterested, a BETA male thing. Days after our breakup, i began going back to shitting on myself for all my weaknesses, reflecting on EVERYTHING (aka overthinking) about my relationship with her, our talks, my personality, and my loneliness. I tried to curb my selfishness and being the stubborn arrogant guy i am, I blamed her for our breakup. Technically she wasnt cheating on me since we werent a thing before she found someone else, but I didnt know better. I felt depressed and empty, didnt want to eat and my parents didnt even know about my thing with N****. i felt human with her, being able to feel emotions wheter it is anger, love, sadness, or joy, but not anymore. Am I becoming a sociopath?
The following days were pretty bad. We stopped talking even in person, kinda dropped all our chats and games and lived like we never even knew each other. My lonely ass couldnt handle our seperation and i began to get desperate. I started looking up ways to get a girl back online, browsing forums and how-to guides for hours. I kept sending friend requests on her facebook and later saw she blocked me on facebook. I couldnt get the hint and tried to text her at random times of the day at different days of the week. a simple "hey wyd?". Two days after blocking me on her fb i guess she blocked me on the phone too cus my messeages werent being read. I also found out she deleted her entire steam account.

4.6.16: Wow, its been a while since i posted anything! Life has been great so far, I got into CHS and made new friends, mostly doing the norm school kid shit like HW and playing games instead of studying, and finding a purpose in my future. I actually want to become a concept illustrator for the entertainment industry; my parents are afraid of my future so I need to convince them to approve my passion for art and ability of what I can do in my freetime. All my life ive been passionate for drawing, movies and games, so ofc this is like the best career path for me!

4.25.16: When it seems like someone is empty from the outside, that person is probably thinking ALOT…. I have to remind myself this.
Again: Everyone is human. It is human to feel emotions whether it is anger/love/sadness/joy. Unless you are a sociopath.

5.18.16:Fuck i get so embarassed when i get attention, its so bad. my ears turn blood red, they lit look like they might bleed any second. today a bunch of girls at my studio made me blush, but i didnt like one second of it. I felt my heart skip a beat. Also i am asking V***** if she wants to get food w me later, wish me luck.

6.13.17:A trait i tend to catch on abt ppl is their inability to accept their wrongs. there shud be balance of give and take

8.4.17:My parents dont believe in therapy and wont seek help for my mentally ill brother and me. Eh, i guess they need help too. They are ignoring my mental health issues and my suffering, and willfully about it. Bunch of ignorant fools who only care about themselves. They think therapy doesnt help, yet many ill people say it helps. Whatever.
A deprived childhood can trigger physiological changes to the brain, along with stress and anxiety.

5.19.18:i think im too spineless
i let ppl tread over me
i am too critical of myself
Im a doormat
i want to fit in
i have no one hit me up
im too recluded
i act nice so ppl can like me
i crave attention
i am engaging outside but empty inside
i like being emotionally weak because i can feel emotions
i dont care abt my health
i dont like being ignored

Sometimes u need to put yourself before others. Fuck everyone else

3.25.18:Well, I fucking did it. Im in my dream college of choice, ArtCenter College of Design! And not just that, but im in the Entertainment Design department for Concept track. Man I just wanted to hug my mom so bad but i was so shy hahaha! I am SO excited of my future endeavors and meeting new people. The campus is so fucking insane, on top of a mountain with the best food ever. I heard lots of pretty girls go to art colleges lool, im gonna step my game up for sure. My dad already got me a new car, a hybrid EV, the Honda Clarity 2019. Commuting is an hour away, but man I am so ready. Homework is gonna be a shitload so i prob wont post in a while but I will never stop posting any time soon. Starting fresh, new people, new place, a new life.

10.11.19: So me and P*** got into a heated argument, some petty shit about money. this dudes been couch surfing at my place for the longest time (3 months wtf), basically my whole fuckin summer. At first we were cool, he had nowhere to go and I had noone to spend the summer with so fuck yea. We played games, went hiking at Grafitti Falls, drank, cooked food, talked about girls, and went to museums, etc. So like all this time in my mind, i believed this dude was gonna pay me back for the time hes been at my place right? well to my surprise, one day he busts out a mere $200 bucks and says he doesnt have enough to pay for the rest of half the rent. Which i dont mind if he had told me in the first place. At the time i think he will eventually pay full so i shrug it off. Months pass. He hasnt paid me yet and i have been pondering if i should ask him to just forget the payment and not come anymore, I asked if i can be by myself for the week and he said nah. At this point idc about the money, I value my privacy just as much as any person whose been in living with someone has. So after that I wanted him to leave my place but i was too much of a pussy to say it. Days go by and he keeps coming to my place. I asked him at times that I wanted to be alone for some days but he would insist he stay over. Hello, it's MY PLACE...?! So i made this fuckin story about how my dad found out he was at my place for too long and wanted him out. P*** makes this shocked look on his face and agrees he has to leave. J before he was about to leave the door, this guy straight up lies to me in my face and says that he thought i was cool with him having him over all along, thus he only paid half the rent so i can keep the money. Fucking aye. IDK what he's trying to do but I j ignored him. I let him stay for one more week so he can pack up his shit since he left a bunch of bowls in my fridge, etc. Maybe i shud just give him a hi five with my foot to his FACE.

Sorry for the rant, i had to do this, I cant take it anymore lool.

10.19.19: P*** finally left the house, for some reason i dont feel happy or anything. I guess us departing like that really tore our friendship, but tbh i think it was coming for him. life is too short to enjoy, im done making excuses for people.

2.5.20:LOL at one point in my life i thought i had some kind of mental illness like autism. little did i know i was just too insecure to realize that I was overthinking things. sounds like my OCD is causing it. it makes me look ignorant to others.

V***** and i talked on snap the whole entire day. I think she is into me ngl. Never really talked to her in junior year and all of a sudden she hmu? For 12 hrs LMAO. fuck love, real relationships arent shit, people arent saints, fuck humans.

I have been reflecting on everything alot, j want to find what are stuff to work on so i can become a good person. I've been too careful abt dating, vivians literally asking for a relationship and i cant commit. I also tend to distance myself from people, hold grudges, fail to open up a social life, battling my anxiety disorder. I also needa stop talking in a condensending tone to my elders and peers.

Nothing is uglier than someone with a low IQ.
Well im a trainwreck. Got drunk with the boys, blackedout in my apartment complex after screaming, got hauled on an ambulance and got a misdemeanor for public intoxication. I also learned that Im a 7.5 above avg according to my friends LOL

10.01.20: My birthday.

ArtCenter has been an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs. I got into many traffic accidents, busted a side mirror on my first term, broke off a front panel of the car while backing up in a parking lot, smoked actual blunt with the boys for the first time in my apartment, had to go to the ER for a cut finger from a project freak accident lmao, got my first stitches ever, met H** who i think is pretty af, went to urgent care AGAin for my blackout incident, got glass shard in my foot, went to my first 626 night market with the bro Alex, got smashed at a random chinese party, got into a fight w my brother, made friends, lost some, went to the collectible show w Vivek, smoked my first cig, went on crazy drinking nights every Sat, met K**** for the first time, got into Starcraft 2, still focused on my purpose. Life is dangerous when youre living it, thats for damn sure!
Today I turn 21. I am not a childish kid anymore, I am a man. I have decided to become a better person and learned to trust my own internal monologue. I have to admit, my parents are sub par in that they havent taught me many hands on things or things about life. Ive found a great resource in being a self independent person, I dont rely on my peers as I used to in the past. I dont let my past trauma from highschool or middleschool from keeping me on my goals or motives. Yes, I have hit myself in the head hard enough to wake up from my intrusive thoughts and continue to learn and better myself. Even now I still struggle, but its not quite as bad as it was in 2014/2015. My confidence has increased and I feel like I dont even need anyone to feel happy about myself. Man I bet i can get my ex back if i wanted to! Ive learned to create limits for myself and achieve different perspectives from many people.

12.25.20: Best advice ever:
"Don't chase the money.
Get the job done and the money will come.
Money is a side effect of success not the goal of it.
Sell a good product and people will buy, word will spread, more will buy, more money will come, more products can be produced and the cycle repeats.
Sell a bad product and people will buy, word will spread, less will buy, money will dry up, no more products can be made and business will die."
I have vastly improved many aspects of my life. I am decent at PUBG now, even made a friend on it, doing good in classes and building my portfolio. I think I found the key to overcoming my anxiety, HSP, fear, hatred, and femininity: its self esteem! I had depression because I had no friends, was emotionally abused and bullied, scared of my family, and my dads family hated me, especially my grandparents. Everything felt like a chore. Now I feel happy surrounding myself w ppl that care about me, ppl who wont use me. Ive expereinced more things in my college life that i dont think i would have if i stayed w the people dragging me down. if ppl want to stick to hanging with bad influences then let them be, j dont make me suffer w the rest of yall. What I learned from 20 years of living:
Key to improvement is the mindset.
Also, Merry christmas motherfuckers.

Damn, quarantine is about to end! Got my vaccination shot weeks ago, feeling so happy to go back to theme parks soon.