This is where i post my thoughts stored in a document. As you may tell i am very recluded so I keep things to myself alot. This usually means i needs somewhere to cool off. I've decided to do this as a method of coping with my severe anxiety and OCD. I think this helps me relax more??? Keep in mind i dont wanna post anything too personal here in case someone i know reads this or whatever. I will try to keep this as j a reference for whenever i need to remind myself what is important and stuff.

7.14.14: I actually want to become a concept illustrator for the entertainment industry; my parents are afraid of my future so I need to convince them to approve my passion for art and ability of what I can do in my freetime.

7.27.14: Wow, it's been a while since i last wrote something.
This might be something that only I really value alot, but i think if someone loves another person, you should be able to believe in the person first before what other ppl say. In other words, I think that if lovers really care abt each other, they would trust each other first before judging each other based on what someone else might say.

For ie, instead of judging a person for something they did or said, you should ask that person directly on how he or she really feels or thnks. What someone else says might not always be true, and to just conclude with whatever impression you have on that person from a rumor or gossip might come off as shallow and foolish imo. I think a strong aspect in maintaining a good relationship is by working together.

Seriously, i fucking hate liars. every since Jason in third grade. Despised them the most! Can't trust anyone these days...

9.4.17:Is cursing for fun considered toxic? I mean im not saying it at people directly... ...its like ignoring hate with laughter. I do it to get over some lame discussion, keep stuff casual. Also, ive been playing rock, paper, scissors alot these days, apparently its a good way to resolve issues. I think I shud see my fam on the weekends, idk.

10.11.17: So me and paul got into a heated argument, some petty shit about money. this dudes been couch surfing at my place for the longest time (3 months wtf), basically my whole fuckin summer. At first we were cool, he had nowhere to go and I had noone to spend the summer with so fuck yea. We played games, went hiking at Grafitti Falls, drank, cooked food, talked about girls, and went to museums, etc. So like all this time in my mind, i believed paul was gonna pay me back for the time hes been at my place right? well to my surprise, one day this dude busts out a mere $200 bucks and says he doesnt have enough to pay for the rest of half the rent. Which i dont mind if he had told me in the first place. So after that I wanted him to leave my place but i was too much of a pussy to say it. Days go by and he keeps coming to my place. I asked him at times that I wanted to be alone for some days but he would insist he stay over. Hello, it's MY PLACE...?! So i made this fuckin story about how my dad found out he was at my place for too long and wanted him out. Paul makes this shocked look on his face and agrees he has to leave. J before he was about to leave the door, this guy straight up lies to me in my face and says that he thought i was cool with him having him over all along, thus he only paid half the rent so i can keep the money. Fucking aye. IDK what he's trying to do but I j ignored him. I let him stay for one more week so he can pack up his shit since he left a bunch of bowls in my fridge, etc. Maybe i shud just give him a hi five with my foot to his FACE.

Sorry for the rant, i had to do this, I cant take it anymore.

10.19.17: Paul finally left the house, for some reason i dont feel happy or anything. I guess us departing like that really tore our friendship, but tbh i think it was coming for him.

7.23.18: OK, i think imma j stop posting dates since i dont want this to become a diary or something...
Vivian and i talked on snap the whole entire day. I think she is into me ngl. Never really talked to her in junior year and all of a sudden she hmu? For 12 hrs LMAO
Anyhow, we were talking about our ideal types (ofc) and i seemed to not really have one in mind. So i gathered some aspects of people i really admire and told her:
-someone whos classy
-someone who is meticulous/caring abt others' feelings/ideas
-calm/slow-minded (yikes)
-single since birth (yikers)
-loves skinship
-otaku weeb anime worshipping slave
-humble/down to earth
-has good sense
some of the shit i said was so embarassing but i hope she can work with it anyway. also i didnt mean most of them either like the otaku one or the ssb, idk im a fuckin tool

Fuck i get so embarassed when i get attention, its so bad. my ears turn blood red, they lit look like they might bleed any second. today a bunch of girls at my studio made me blush, but i didnt like one second of it. I felt my heart skip a beat. Also i am asking vivian for consent wish me luck.

Things to avoid I have been reflecting on everything alot, j want to find what are stuff to work on so i can become a good person. I've been too careful abt dating, vivian lit asking for it and i cant commit. I also tend to read the wrong signs from people, hold grudges, fail to open up with people or social lives, and shitting on people. I am working on laughing/smiling more, letting people know how i feel so i can address my needs and listen to other people's needs, and curbing my anxiety disorder. I also needa stop talking in a condensending tone to my elders and peers.

Things i dont like: Those who make everything abt themselves are usually too selfish to realize their stubborness and arrogance. arrogance can be shameless if u can back it up...

When it seems like someone is empty from the outside, that person is probably thinking ALOT…. Just like me right now….
Everyone is human. It is human to feel emotions whether it is anger/love/sadness/joy. Unless you are a sociopath.

Abt working on taking hints, ive come to a difficult conclusion. a guy taking hints is too risky. at one end u can end up having one of the best moments of ur life. at the other end u can end up as an idiot who misread an obvious sign and is now accused of being a pervert. a girl's true intentions can be any of both ends. gg
to me, i think its better to be upfront. its safer and direct, smarter choice imo.
remember, 3 strikes and you're out. What is more important, moral dignity or secret fantasy? Before i can love anyone else i need to love myself. Fix myself. It sounds like I'm a bit lonely & she's fanciable so im fixating on her

A trait i tend to catch on abt ppl is their inability to accept their wrongs. making excuses = lame

LOL at one point in my life i thought i had some kind of mental illness like autism. little did i know i was just too insecure to realize that I was overthinking things. sounds like my OCD is causing it. it makes me look ignorant to others.

Nothing is uglier than someone with a low IQ. Im a 7.5 above avg according to my friends LOL

Best advice ever: Don't chase the money.
Get the job done and the money will come.
Money is a side effect of success not the goal of it.
Sell a good product and people will buy, word will spread, more will buy, more money will come, more products can be produced and the cycle repeats.
Sell a bad product and people will buy, word will spread, less will buy, money will dry up, no more products can be made and business will die.

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